How do we communicate?

In the last few days, I have experienced some things that have inspired this subject. We all communicate somehow, so it will be a useful read for us all. Let’s read this one, ok? It will probably take you just 7-10 minutes…

So where was I? Yes, the incidents.

Incident #1 – I had a class of 6 ladies booked for my coaching classes last week. 4 showed up (2 on time, 1 about 30 minutes late, and 1 of them about 3 hours into the class). Well, two didn’t show, despite having paid in full. You bet I took time to call them to ask if all was well. Both (they don’t know each other by the way) didn’t answer my calls. One of them finally sent a text about 4pm that day saying she had surprise guests that morning and couldn’t come after all. The other one didn’t return my calls till mid-week saying she had to travel out of town that morning to a town about 2 hours away, and didn’t return to Abuja till same evening. That’s that for this first story.

Incident #2 – I had a pre-scheduled appointment with someone for a fixed time. I confirmed the appointment a day before. I moved around a couple of things at my own great inconvenience to enable me meet the appointment. On the said day, I arrived a good thirty minutes before time, and proceeded to wait. And wait. And wait some more. And they never showed. My calls went unanswered so I left. And received a call about 30 minutes after I had left, explaining they were ‘stuck’ somewhere else.

Incident #3 – A parent had asked me if her daughter could come to spend the day with my daughter. She was giving me about 30 minutes notice. My daughter and I had other plans and I politely explained to her that we should do it the following weekend.  The day before the new play date, she saw my daughter during school pick up, and told her that they would be in our home early the following morning. Her daughter and mine had excitedly talked in school about nothing else all week! Come the day, my daughter was up before daylight, and was ready to see her friend. We both waited. And waited. And waited some more. My daughter thought I had cancelled without telling her, so finally at about 530pm, I was forced to call to find out why they stood my daughter up. And the response was ‘’Oh, her daughter had a sudden sleep over date, and they couldn’t leave that date to come over to ours’’.

Incident #4 – While spreading awareness of my most popular daily manners and etiquette class, I sent texts to many people I know, in my present and past life. For discussion sake, let me say I sent texts to 10 people. Maybe 4 responded. 6 plain ignored me. It’s their loss sadly, as attendance at this class will cure that very ill-manner and make them overall better people. My opinion…

Incident #5 – A dear friend has spoken with this ‘’big boy’’ who is guaranteed to get me an interview spot in one of our biggest TV Stations. I was really excited when I was asked to send in my Company profile for further action. The ‘’big boy’’ asked that I send it to his private email. I sent in the email, and many days after, I was still waiting for an acknowledgement. I was curious so I asked my friend if his friend had seen my mail. And he replied that he had seen it and he was working on it. Really?

Now, none of the actors in the scenarios above is illiterate. None has less than a University Degree. All of them are ‘’influential’’ in our society. Hence my worry. Who are they influencing, and what are others copying from them?

Most of us will do exactly the same as any of the scenarios I’ve detailed above. Some reading this don’t see anything untoward about what’s been done by any of the characters above. But believe me, it is just plain wrong and rude to do any of the things listed above. Yes we know life happens, but it shouldn’t make us uncivilized.

What makes an educated adult behave like our local uneducated artisans? (With all due respect to our artisans, I’ve known a plumber, Felix, for about 10 months now, and he is one of the most reliable and well -mannered human beings I’ve ever met. No stories, lies or games ). Again the question – what makes an educated adult behave like an ignorant unschooled person? Why do we not return phone calls and texts? Why do we not respond to emails? Why do we stand up another person without the courtesy of a call or text? Why do we disrespect people and in turn, disrespect ourselves?  

I guess the answer is the same reason why we have mixed up priorities. Why we think it’s cool to be rude. Why we think it’s okay for our children and us to answer ‘’Fine’’, and not ‘’Fine, thank you’’. Why we think showing up early for an appointment shows desperation. (I can’t get over that line of thinking!) Why we think ‘’we bless God’’ is a suitable and educated response to ‘’How are you?’’. Why when we are unwell, we’d rather say ‘’my enemy is sick’’, or ‘’I am strong’’. What does that mean exactly?

In one of my posts, I urged us to forget celebrities – being rich and famous is not the same as having manners. And it is true. But our same misplaced priorities will rather make the young adults influenced by us, to admire an uncouth ‘’rich person’’ to a polite, regular guy.

I have met some people who I admire from the depth of my soul. One of them, a certain lady I choose to refer to as Mrs. H DL. This wife and mum is a walking, talking example of how a civilized human being should behave. A brief description – She was born into incredible wealth, attended some of the best schools in this world, is married into incredible wealth, has at her disposal all the goodies that incredible wealth can bring. Plus beauty. But she is perhaps the most well-mannered person I have encountered. Ever. A brief example: I arrived at her Gated Estate for a pre-scheduled appointment and called her from the Gate when the security men advised me to observe that protocol. After speaking briefly with her, she asked me to hang up and she would call the Security man. What did she do differently? 99% of people will have asked me to give my phone to the Security Man. This woman recognized the fact that not everyone likes sharing their phone with people they don’t know. (By the way, how many of us wipe down a phone after it’s been against our sweaty ear, before handing it to another? Simply wipe it on your shirt sleeves before handing it over. If you don’t do it, please start it today). This busy wife and mum would respond to every text and email even if just to say, ‘’thank you, I got it’’. She would call you and first ask if it’s a good time to talk. She’s just plain well- mannered! Polished! Classy!

Let me tell you, if you do not know you should say please and thank you with a warm smile, or return calls and texts,( Even if the text is to ask you for money, you should respond, apologizing you cannot help at that time), if you don’t know you should join a queue, or hold the door open for someone to go through, and say a cheerful thank you to the person who held the door for you, if you don’t know a proper lady crosses her legs at the ankles and not the knees, if you borrow money and don’t repay when it’s due, if you don’t know which of the half dozen forks, spoons and knives to start using first while at dinner, if you don’t know it takes just 10 seconds to create a first impression, if you don’t know you should acknowledge emails, if you don’t know you don’t turn a cup face down after finishing your tea/coffee,  if you don’t know you should never show up at a party empty handed,  if you still display your pen in the outer suit jacket pocket, then you need Etiquette coaching anywhere you can get it. In 2016 and beyond, good manners matter…

Helen.